God Bless the PTA for a hosting an all-school roller skating party on a half-day of school. It seems like my people are always off of school. So, I take the kids to the rink and rent two pairs of skates. “Come on mom, aren’t you going to skate?” asks Eileen. “Sure, what the heck, give me a pair, too,” replies Fun Mom.
Please note that I haven’t skated since 8th grade and it wasn’t pretty then either. And I never bought into that whole roller blading thing in the 90s either. My girlfriends and I rented “blades” one Sunday afternoon along Lake Michigan and barely escaped with our lives. One brave soul stopped herself from rolling into oncoming traffic by wrapping herself around a newspaper box. She hit it so hard that the damn box actually started to spin around the pole that it was chained to! Never again… until now.
I look around and there aren’t many other moms out on the rink. Okay, here comes Fun Mom, shuffling around the rink with kindergarteners speeding past me. I make my way around twice, slow down to help Aidan and BAM! I fall exactly on my tailbone and started seeing Tweety Bird fly around my head while trying to keep an F-bomb in my mouth. Two roller rink ladies help me up and I promptly return my skates — all with a happy smile on my face. (Like I need my ass to swell any bigger. Why couldn’t I fall on my boobs?) I get some ice from the concessions stand, fill out a form that says that it was my own damn fault that I busted my rump, and take a seat among the Smart Moms who had enough sense to skip skating. I spend the next hour faking that I am a very pleasant person despite leaning on one butt cheek like I have ‘roids.
We leave the rink to go to Eileen’s haircut. As I get into the van, I unzip my jeans, shove the ice right onto my crack, and say a little prayer that I won’t get pulled over. As we’re walking into the salon, my butt is so numb, that I don’t realize that the complete backside of my jeans is drenched. “It looks like I wet my pants!” I say to the kids.
“Huh,” shrugs Aidan. “I didn’t know that girls pee with their butts.”